John Watson's Butthole Bootcamp

Sherlock: Episode One

• SUDDENLY GUNS
• Viewers: fuck where did that come from -
• John: nightmares oh god
• John:
• John:
• John: I fucking hate my life.
• Therapist: Have you been writing in your therupatic diary like I told you to?
• John: MY EYES AREN'T GLISTENING WITH THE GHOST OF MY PAST
• Mike: hey gurl hey
• John: shitit'sthatguydon'tmakeeyecontact
• Mike: HEY GURL HEY
• John: Ohhh hi didn't see you there -
• Mike: LOL GURL SO HOW U BIN, HOW'S LIFE?
• John: I'm thirty-five, single, unemployed, skint, and I've got anxiety problems of some description and a limp.
• Mike: GURL THAT'S SO RAVEN
• John: what
• Mike: what
• John:
• Mike: let me hook you up, man
• ~MEANWHILE~
• Sherlock: I love the smell of dead bodies in the morning
• Molly: I love your face
• Sherlock: Yes, thank you, I would like you to serve me some coffee, how thoughtful
• Molly:
• Molly: ok.
• ~UPSTAIRS~
• John: What are these new fang-dangly things they didn't have them in my day
• Mike: that's a computer, John
• Sherlock: Mike give me your phone
• Mike: Do you know how at wildlife parks and stuff they don't let you feed the animals partly so that the animals don't get reliant on being fed by humans and then stop foraging for their own food?
• Sherlock:
• John: use mine.
• Mike: This is John Watson. havethesexwithhim.
• John and Sherlock: what
• Mike: what
• Sherlock: -text it- Afghanistan or Iraq?
• John: the fuck -
• Sherlock: smoothly interrupting you to casually accept fangirl-made coffee
• Sherlock: hey molly
• Sherlock: thank you for offering to make me this delicious coffee
• Sherlock: -sips- mnn, tangy
• Sherlock: you look ugly without makeup
• Molly:
• Sherlock: bye
• Molly: ok.
• Sherlock: We should be flatmates
• John: what
• Sherlock: I'll meet you at the flat ok
• John: what
• Sherlock: Goodbye Mr Army Doctor from afghanistan
• Sherlock: say hi to your alcoholic brother for me
• Sherlock: nice psychosomatic limp you got there
• John: WHAT
• Sherlock: Sherlock Holmes, 221b Baker St, exit stage left
• Mike: ain't he so raven
• ~LATER~
• Sherlock: Check out the flat ain't it pretty don't you like it John, you must like it, I can clean up, look I'm cleaning up say you'll live with me say it
• Mrs Hudson: You guys are such a cute couple
• John: what, no
• Lestrade: There's been a murder
• Sherlock: HOORAY
• Sherlock: come and see dead bodies with me, John
• John: I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING BUT I THINK I LIKE IT
• ~CRIME SCENE~
• Sally: freak
• Sherlock: lol you're blowing one of the forensic team
• Anderson: fuk u shercock u dick
• Sherlock: i know you are i said you are but what am i
• Body: pink
• Sherlock: John what's your professional doctor's opinion.
• John: ... yup she's dead.
• Sherlock: DEDUCTING
• John:
• John: amazing brilliant fantastic
• Sherlock: omg relyy
• John: boy u mighty fine
• Lestrade: I'm standing in the room still
• Sherlock: lol you're all idiots I am the only one who sees the truth
• Lestrade and John: what
• Sherlock: laterz
• ~AND THEN~
• Phones: ringing
• security cameras: spinning
• John: the fuck is this
• Mycroft: hey gurl
• John: the fuck are you
• Mycroft: I am suggestively frightening and I'm sherlock's arch enemy, my name begins with M, can you guess who I am
• John: modesty?
• Mycroft: gurl I like you
• Sherlock: URGENT URGENT COME HOME AT ONCE THERE IS AN URGENCY
• ~221B~
• Sherlock: Pass me my phone.
• John: you
• John: you texted me to
• Sherlock: and send a text please k thanks
• John: Fuck you sideways, man
• Sherlock: love you too
• John: what
• Sherlock:
• Sherlock: come to dinner?
• ~ANGELO'S~
• Angelo: you're such a cute gay couple
• John: what, no
• Angelo: So very cute and gay
• John: no, sherlock, say something, tell him we're not gay
• Angelo: I'll get some candles to set the mood to SEXY TIMES
• John: NO DON'T GET CANDLES
• Angelo: YOU'RE GAY
• John: Why do I have an ominous feeling that this is going to happen again? Like reverse deja vu?
• Sherlock: Keep an eye out for murderers 'kay
• John: So er ... got a girlfriend? Or a ... boyfriend?
• Sherlock:
• Sherlock: uh ... John ... look, it's very flattering and all but I'm taken
• John: no -
• Sherlock: My work is a jealous lover
• John: no - what? I don't even want to consider how a relationship with investigating dead bodies works - no, I wasn't - no - I'M NOT GAY!
• Sherlock: right.
• John: right.
• Sherlock: okay then.
• John: yes.
• Sherlock: SUSPECT AT TWO O'CLOCK
• ~ROOFTOP CAR CHASE~
• John: shit that was funny
• Sherlock: I know right
• Lestrade: DRUGS BUST PARTY AT 221B
• Sherlock: THE FUCK IS GOING ON
• John: wait drugs lol what
• Sherlock: ~gaze~
• John: ~gaze~
• Lestrade: THERE ARE PEOPLE STANDING IN THIS ROOM
• Sherlock: DEDUCTING
• Mrs Hudson: TAXI
• Lestrade: MOBILE
• Everyone: NOISE
• Sherlock: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DICKS
• Cabbie: come away with me, in the night
• Sherlock: ok
• ~DRIVING~
• Cabbie: CLEVER SHIT
• Sherlock: BORING
• Cabbie: pick a pill any pill
• Sherlock: CLEVERER SHIT
• Cabbie: pick a pill anyway
• Sherlock: sounds like fun
• Cabbie: SUCKER -
• John: I SAVE YOU
• Cabbie: /dead
• Sherlock: that's so raven
• ~LATER~
• Lestrade: tell me the things
• Sherlock: look at my fucking ugly blanket
• Lestrade: oh jesus
• Sherlock: hai john
• John: hai Sherlock
• Sherlock: you saved me
• John: for a minute there I thought my princess was in another castle
• Sherlock: what
• John: what
• Mycroft: hey gurl
• Sherlock: fuck off bro
• John: why didn't you tell me he was your brother?
• Sherlock: because he smells
• Mycroft: you're so mean
• Sherlock: lol John let's go get Chinese
• John: ok
• ~BITCHIN SLOW WALK~
• YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH